Thoughtful

I have been very thoughtful lately.

My mind is full of thoughts about aging, about becoming a mommy and having a newborn around again. Thoughts about the many changes our little family has been through since its start in 2003 and the changes it is about to go through.

It is so hard to even remember life BEFORE the way it is now. Life before Nate, before Holden, before the Philippines and I am sure that in no time it will be hard to remember life before Finnley. It's so strange to think that we have lived here for exactly 2 years now. In so many ways it feels as if we have been here a lifetime already. So long, in fact, that it is home now. Oh, don't be confused I still long for the WEST but more so just the conveniences of it.

I remember so vividly the moment we landed in Manila. I remember looking out the window of the plane as we descended at the shacks and shanties, the lush green tropics, the bay and feeling the heat on the window. I remember stepping off the plane and being consumed by the thick humid air and the distinct smell of non-1st world country. I remember the car ride to the hotel. The insane traffic. The poverty. The complete and utter feeling of dread. I couldn't stop the "what were we thinking?" feeling. BUT! I also remember feeling a challenge, an excitement and a newness. I remember being comforted knowing that as long as I had my little family together it was all going to be ok and that we could overcome anything.

I wonder if Holden will remember being an only child. I'm not sure he will and that in a way brings me to my knees in tears. He has been our entire world for 5 years and I am sad to think that these moments we have had together (just the 3 of us) will not be with him forever. The past couple of weeks have been knowing exchanges between Nate and I. Glances that we both realize our time left with just one child is limited. We are drawing near to the time where life will again shift and change.

We are good with change. It is good and exciting and we have always welcomed the big transitions in life with zeal. We couldn't be more ready and thrilled to welcome Finnley into our lives. But change is change and once you spread your wings it is kind of hard to fit them back in the nest again.